Conflict Avoidance In Relationships: What Is It And Why Does It Happen?

The pressure mounts and perceived stress is followed by sweat, an increased heart rate, and worry, and your gut reaction to is avoid the situation altogether. While a better understanding of the root of their behavior doesn’t erase your frustration, it can help you with techniques to deal with difficult people. We look at common reasons for difficult behavior, how you can remain calm and composed in the midst of a challenging situation, and how you can deal with conflicts in the workplace and with family. The first step is simply understanding what avoidance coping is and why it has become part of your life.

What to do before you have the conversation

It’s easier for the avoiding partner to be open and receptive to the validator, they explain, because the avoiding partner won’t feel overwhelmed by the validator’s calmer, more rational approach. “Conflict avoidance can greatly connect to racial and https://ecosoberhouse.com/ gender privilege,” Ezelle explains. “For example, a heterosexual white man may feel more comfortable sharing his opinion, even if a conflict may arise, because of the more often than not presumed commonality among those in the room. Tessina suggests people who avoid confrontation may be very hard workers (as a result of being inherent people-pleasers).

Criticism

This is a good time to look for causes for their behavior other than rejection. Finally, ask about the cause because the answer may indicate that being late had nothing to do with rejecting you. Demands also frequently trigger conflict, especially if the demand is viewed as unfair or irrelevant. It’s important to note that demands rephrased as questions may still be or be perceived as demands.

You’re A People-Pleaser

These thoughts might make it difficult for you to face conflict. Voicing your objections could include pointing out if the barista got your coffee order wrong or reminding your co-worker that they forgot to get back to you on an important issue. Instead of seeing conflict as something that’s inevitably hurtful, consider how it can be productive. All articles are written in conjunction with the Makin Wellness research team. The content on this page is not a replacement for professional how to deal with someone who avoids conflict diagnosis, treatment, or informed advice.

• If Sam disrespects Ron’s boundaries intentionally, Ron may need to reflect on Sam’s ability to be respectful and considerate in the relationship.
• Telling someone they’ve done something wrong puts the blame on them — and they’ll likely get defensive, Segrin says.

• When two people avoid conflict, it can often lead to a decrease in physical intimacy.
• When you communicate openly and honestly with your partner, you are able to share your thoughts and feelings with them.
• Conflict avoidance may result from how you perceive conflict in relationships.
• You can also take steps to regulate your own behavior by taking deep, calming breaths, practicing focused mindfulness, or even taking a break from the situation by removing yourself and coming back to the conversation later.
• “Conflict-avoidant folks learned the hard way that the stress of confrontation makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it the way a kid who touches a hot stove learns not to do so in future,” Masini says.
• Direct conflict might not be your style, especially when the room is stacked against you.

They agree to rein in their spending to save for a down payment. Tim successfully eliminates extra expenses for several months. Without telling Tim, she goes out to expensive lunches and dinners with her friends, makes several large purchases, and loses a healthy chunk of money at the casino. For example, you might practice reminding your boss about your boundaries and that they agreed to your boundaries in the first place.

Foresight warns you that confrontation may not be worth the potential result, which leads to avoidance. “Not wanting to upset others is a common driver of conflict avoidance,” says Sherese Ezelle, L.M.H.C., a licensed behavioral therapist at One Medical. You might know that you need to tell your bestie that no, it’s not OK to cancel your plans for the fourth time in a row with no explanation. Steering clear of potentially consequential conversations can be detrimental to relationships. Left unaddressed, even minor concerns can brew into resentment, anger, and depression — often to the complete surprise of the other party.

• If you find yourself becoming emotional, remind yourself to “detach” or “disengage” and communicate in a factual manner.
• The US presidential campaign is in its final weeks and we’re dedicated to helping you understand the stakes.
• It can be frustrating when you don’t feel validated or supported.
• Conflict avoidance can sometimes occur because of low self-esteem.
• ” Be ready with two or three examples to illustrate your point, and speak in a non-reactive tone.
• Using the ‘I’ statement avoids accusing or blaming a person but expresses how their feelings affect you,” states Bowman.

Validate their feelings

Having the skills and support of a trusted therapist can make an immeasurable difference as you learn to replace your old ways of thinking about and responding to stress with more effective ones. People who are prone to anxiety might have learned avoidance techniques early on and therefore might find it more difficult to learn proactive strategies. If you learned to adopt these behaviors when you were growing up, they can become a habit by the time you are an adult. However, that does not mean that it needs to remain your main mode for handling stress. Avoidance coping—also known as avoidant coping, avoidance behaviors, and escape coping—is a maladaptive form of coping in which a person changes their behavior to avoid thinking about, feeling, or doing difficult things. In some cases, conflict avoidance occurs because we always assume the worst during times of disagreement.

• It’s as if the avoidant personality engages in the “he loves me, he loves me not” game with every relationship encountered.
• Classroom incivility is “any action that interferes with a harmonious and cooperative learning atmosphere in the classroom” (Feldmann, 2001, p. 137).
• Remember that it is healthy to practice techniques that help you feel calmer as you face a difficult situation—even if the techniques don’t affect the situation directly.
• By Elizabeth Scott, PhDElizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.
• On the other hand, if we witness conflict avoidance or other forms of unhealthy conflict resolution, our ideas about conflict management will be skewed.

It also means setting reasonable goals for what you can expect from any given interaction. It is important to accept reality exactly the way that it is without expecting change. The DBT principle of “radical acceptance,” defined by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., means to accept not only things but people for who they are—this includes accepting their limitations and changing your own expectations. These steps for effective communication were taken from the Cornell Harold D Craft Leadership Program. “This study indicates that the consequences of ignoring classroom incivilities can have deleterious effects on students, as the findings support that classroom incivilities harm the classroom climate. Further, the effects of classroom incivilities extend beyond the confines of the classroom and can damage students’ efforts to succeed at their institutions” (Hirschy & Braxton, 2004, p. 72).

Conflict avoidance can damage your relationships and harm your mental health. This people-pleasing behavior can also make it difficult to set and maintain boundaries. It can also negatively affect physical intimacy in a relationship.

Another manifestation of conflict avoidance is when you act passive-aggressive or resort to name-calling or insults. While it can be tempting to bottle up feelings like anger and frustration by not rocking the boat, conflict-avoiding tendencies can take a toll on your mental health. In a relationship, this can look like going silent on a partner, changing the subject, or enduring uncomfortable situations instead of expressing issues openly. Imagine, for example, that it’s a holiday, and you’re visiting your high-conflict parents. Your goal in this case should be something like “have a nice visit.” The goal should not be to “work out things emotionally” or you have not radically accepted the situation or changed your expectations. HCPs generally do not, and if they do, it’s to a very limited degree.